Wanna know?

Have you ever wondered what Infertility feels like?

~It's charting the most personal bodily functions down to the hour with medical professional preciseness.
~It's charting your...erm...alone time with your husband.
~It's going absolutely nuts when you've had an upset stomach for more than 2 days straight.
~It's waiting. Waiting for a dr. appointment... A day on the calendar... A period... A missed period... A positive pregnancy test... A negative pregnancy test.
~It's crying all the time. Movies and TV shows that even reference a baby or an ultrasound will send you into sobs of grief. Seeing a cute spring dress in the store for a little girl you don't have will cause you to make a bee line for the door. Hearing someone else announcement of pregnancy will have you in your car praying for relief.
~It's avoiding baby showers.
~It's crying through church on mother's day.
~It's crying and praying for others dealing with the same issues you and your husband are facing.
~It's bitterness and anger and fear and selfishness and guilt and hope and pain all in one.
~It's praying and fasting and priesthood blessings hoping that this month will be the month. That this time it will be your announcement.
~It's quiet rage hidden behind a pleasant smile while someone complains about how hard it is to be pregnant.
~It's yelling at God, and wondering how he could send babies to teenagers and drug addicts and not to you.
~It's not wanting to hear abut your husband's dreams that had three kids in it, and at the same time asking for every detail about each of those dream kids.
~It's being on pins and needles in large groups for someone to ask when you're going to start a family, or when the next person will come by and comment on how long you have been married with that tell tell raised eye brow. Or when someone will expound on the joys of parenthood to you because "you just can't even imagine!!"
~It's having names picked out and nurseries planned for kids you may not ever meet in this life.
~It's sorrow that presses on your heart and spirit every moment of every day. Even when you're not thinking about it - it is your constant companion in everything you do.
~It's seeing your husband cry while he holds you after another negative pregnancy test.
~It's wondering "why not me?"
~It's hopes and dreams that are just out of reach.

I've been dealing with a very sensitive stomach for about a week and a half...I'm finding smells bothering me more than usual. My back has been hurting, my head has been aching, and I'm peeing all the time.

And I've been through this before. And it's meant nothing each time.

That's why I asked you for your prayers yesterday. And that's what I wasn't going to tell you because I'm superstitious.

I found out today that one of the girls I work with is pregnant. I'm having a very hard day.

And now I'm going home to clean my toilets. How appropriate.