I am not whole.
My faith has been faltering recently.
When trials come my way I instantly cry "why me?!". Not kidding. Every time - without fail - I go from happy and grateful to frustrated and tearful. In. Nothing. Flat.
Oh yeah. I cry. A lot. Often.
Last week was a doozey. Everything was WONDERFUL...okay maybe not wonderful, but things were good. Until Wednesday morning. When I got a text from Jeremy that his car was spewing oil. He used that word. Spewing. FLIP!!! WHY!!???!!! What could POSSIBLY go wrong NOW?!!!
See...I've been stressed. Yes. I've been worried. Frustrated. Concerned. And I'm sad to say - a little angry.
Angry with life. Angry with circumstances. Angry that I can't change it. Angry with God.
I know. Not good. Very bad. Totally horrible. I can't believe I'm admitting it here.
And it's the same old thing. We've been trying to move to Utah for 7 months now. We have been trying to have a child for a year and a half. We've been trying to save. We've been trying to get ahead and stay there for a while. And it seems like every time we get close something happens and we fall short again. The car is one of those times. Then I had an issue at work. It sucked and I'm still not entirely over it.
Jer spent all day Wednesday working on his car with a friend of ours. And then all day saturday with another friend, and then all day Sunday with that friend again. We didn't go to church. (yes I could have gone, because I wasn't helping with the car, but it scares me to leave him alone while he's under a car.) And it's still not fixed. I cried when I knelt down to pray last night. And I couldn't feel any peace.
This morning I woke up and while I was reading my scriptures and looking for comfort I found that scripture in Matthew. I know you know it. The woman who had the issue f blood for 12 years? She felt that if she could just touch the hem of the Savior's garment she would be healed. She pressed into the throngs of people surrounding him. She stretched and reached. And when she touched him - she felt the healing fill her body. And he felt it too. He turned to her and told her that she was whole. Because of her faith.
Then I read in the Doctrine and Covenants about Emma Smith. She was a wonderful woman and I'm grateful for her example in all things, but specifically today it hit me that she was told that " 5 And the office of thy calling shall be for a comfort unto my servant, Joseph Smith, Jun., thy husband, in his afflictions, with consoling words, in the spirit of meekness".
Don't get me wrong here. I know Jeremy and I are not up against what the Prophet Joseph and his wife Emma were. Not even close.
But I am called to be a help meet to Jeremy. To help him in his afflictions, and to comfort him in a spirit of meekness. I am stronger then I give myself credit for, and where I am weak I have the Lord and my Savior to lean on. And I have Jeremy to lean on.
It's been a trying week. A Trying two years. And I am not whole yet.
But I know I will be.
5 comments:
Thanks for being so honest...life is tough! When I was going through hard times I came accross this quote...oh how profound it is.
"For those who are discouraged by their circumstances and are therefore tempted to feel they cannot serve the Lord this day, I make you two promises. Hard as things seem today, they will be better in the next day if you choose to serve the Lord this day with your whole heart. Your circumstances may not be improved in all the ways which you desire. But you will have been given new strength to carry your burdens and new confidence that when your burdens become too heavy, the Lord, whom you have served, will carry what you cannot. He knows how. He prepared long ago. He suffered your infirmities and your sorrows when He was in the flesh so that He would know how to succor you."
It gives me such strength to know that He knows how to comfort me because He's been through it. I love you! and hope things get better...if you need anything let me know.
so sorry that things are just continuing to rain down on you. wish i could help. just know how much i love you and that i am totally here if you need ANYTHING!!
Just keep relying on God and His word. He never promised that life would be easy, but He did promise He would be there through it, if you would just trust & rely on Him. It isn't always easy...believe me I know. I will keep you in my prayers.
Praying for you, my friend!
You always uplift and inspire me. I think you are a tremendous example of courage, and spiritual strength. I mean it.
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