Not Again!

For anyone who is trying to get pregnant there comes a time when you're late. All of a sudden you're sick to your stomach all day long. You bbs become painful - to the point of holding them down when you have to walk 5 feet...but holding them would hurt too much so you just stay where you are. You find yourself crying one moment and raging mad the next. Simply...You start imagining WHAT IF!!!

What if this is it...What if it's a girl? What if it's a boy? What will we name it? What if it gets Jeremy tiny legs?

And for anyone who has been trying for a while these questions are joined to the hip with questions like: When should I test? Is it too early to test? What if I am, and I forget the pre-natals I've been sucking down like candy for the last two years? What if I'm not? Could something be wrong with me?

Of course, there is also the aftermath of taking an actual pee test. This can be stressful for lots of people, but for me it's....complicated. I'm always scared it will be negative. But still, after all we have been though this year, I'm scared it will be positive too. Don't get me wrong! I would be ecstatic!!! Both of would be!! But there is now a fear that I can't deny, that we will never get to bring a baby home from the hospital. That our trial will be to continue conceiving, but never delivering children.

Anyway - the testing...Sitting there waiting is the worst...I can usually deal with a negative result - I have had several over the last couple years. I simply pray for strength, I might cry a little but then I move on. But this week is harder...See - Its been three months since I lost Fi. I've gone on and back off a very strict and intense diet. Jeremy's been laid off. We're moving next week. Our house is almost totally in boxes...And now...I'm late. I took a test on Tuesday, and it was negative. I hope I had just tested too early, but I took another one today and it was negative also. But here I am...sick. Emotional. Exhausted beyond belief. Headaches, back aches, reflux...I have it all. I have a friend who tells me often that as soon as we think we might be pregnant our bodies create all of these symptoms...But I've been pregnant before. This feels real. And yet...it's obviously not.

I'm so sad today. I am still battling nausea, and exhaustion, and I have no baby on top of it. Today sucks.

I know that's not the best intro to a Thanks-Giving session, but I don't feel like giving thanks right now. I don't feel like sharing anything about my blessings or service...I didn't expect to hit a dead end like this so early in the game...it's day 5 for crying out loud. But here I am.

I am blessed. I know that. But sometimes the trials I'm given feel like they are too much. Too hard. Too painful. I recently bore Testimony that I was grateful for the things I learn from my trials, but I'm not a good enough person to be grateful for the actual trials. Well I still feel that way...and since I don't know what the H I am supposed to learn from this stupid day...I'm just not grateful.

Hows that for real?

But alas...I have put this challenge out there, so here is my attempt...

I'm grateful for it being Friday. I could go on for a while on this one, but I won't. Lets just say 5pm can't come soon enough!

Service...Can I use Jeremy again? I get to make the rules so I say yes. This morning when I was crying all of my freshly applied makeup right off (and down my cheeks)...he held me. He held my hand. He kissed me, and told me he loved me. And I saw how true that was in his eyes. I don't deserve a man like him to hold me when I cry, but I have him. I have him to text me uplifting thoughts and comforting ideas on days like today. Being there for someone who needs you is service in it's purest form. Just being there. Jeremy is wonderful at that principal.

Have the Best Day