Have Hope

People forget stuff. Where you put the keys. Birthdays. Anniversaries. Doctor's Appointments. We all forget stuff.

Sometimes life gets crazy within your own walls and we forget about other people. The ones we promise to remember in our thoughts and prayers while they are going through a hard time. I do that. Too much. It's sad really. I kind of feel like the apostles asked to wait with the Savior while he was in The Garden. Can't I watch just one hour?

There are somethings though I will never forget. I can't forget the day I found out I was pregnant for the first time. or the euphoria that instantly carried me until it ended. I can't forget the little onesie I bought for Jeremy with his favorite bands name on it. I can't forget giving Jeremy the two positive tests I got with our third pregnancy.

I can't forget the way he held me while I worried and cried the morning I lost our first child.  I can't forget the way I just knew it was over. I can't forget the face of a friend who worked at the hospital as she saw us leaving. I can't forget the tears in Jeremy's eyes with each loss. I can't forget the way my body gave into grief when I lost our second baby. I can't forget the way the Doctor held my hand before she left the room after telling us our third baby was gone too. I can't forget these things - these moments - these images will never leave me.

We are part of the 1% of couples who suffer through Recurrent Miscarriages. 1 percent. One.

Today I'm thinking of those who also suffer. Those who mourn. Those who understand me and I understand them. Those who's arms ache daily to hold children they can't touch. My heart breaks for all of us. I hope as The Holidays approach this year, that we are all blessed with gentle days filled with peace and faith. I hope we can all have hope. I know, for me, hope is one of the things I struggle with almost daily now. I want to hope, but I know the pain that comes from having hopes shattered. But I also crave hope. I miss the optimism that comes with hope.

I pray we can all find hope in whatever we are searching for.