First - I'm BACK!!! The shower is OVER and it went SO WELL!!! The cake...well it was consumed and people said they liked it...I'll take that. I don't want to post pictures though cause I'm not sure I was all to happy with it. ANYWAY - she totally hauled and it was a big success!! I'm grateful for all the help on this shower, and the cake!! THANK YOU!!!
Second - The cars are running today - YEAH!! Jer and Josh and Jason spent all morning on saturday working on it...I'm so blessed to have a good husband and wonderful friends who are willing to serve me!! THANK YOU GUYS!!!!
Third - I have been thinking about those posts I referenced last week...the ones about people being really honest about themselves and their lives... and I'm going to do it. Not because I want to be a follower (which we all know I am) or because I want you to know these things about me (cause I kinda don't) but because I have always lived 2 lives it seems. scary right? I am one person in public, and one in my head. I need to stop that cause I fear I will end up medicating myself for it one day if I don't work through it now.
~ I smile a lot. I get compliments on it. Truth is...It is usually a mask for something I can't talk or think about. I smile because it's human nature to smile when you're happy. and when we see smiles we assume the person behind it is happy. now let me clarify. I am a very happy person. I have a great life. I am overwhelmingly blessed. I am happy...generally. But when bad things happen...I tend to take them very personally. The car broke down because I wasn't taking care of it (which isn't true btw...apparently it's a flaw in the manufacturing), or when someone does or says something and it hurts...or when I say something and it hurts someone else...all these things put dents in my armor. the only way no one looks at the dents and dings in my self esteem is with a smile. Most people don't care to know what's really going on, so a smile is my shield. Only real friends look past it. It's amazing and touching when they do, but it's also very rare that even they can tell that sometimes it's totally fake.
~I'm not strong. I'm scared. I've been told for...as long as I can remember how strong I am. It's not true. I went to church alone most of the time growing up. I started going when I was 9, and I would get rides there or I would have my dad drop me off. I did this all the way through High School. I was 16 when I actually asked if this was the right thing for me to be doing. I was given a clear and straightforward answer, and since then I have gained a testimony, but...for all those years...I was scared to be different. I was scared that I would be letting someone down if I stopped. I was scared I wouldn't matter to anyone the way I seemed to matter to my ward. I moved to AZ all alone 5 years ago. I had one girl friend here in px, but we rarely saw each other. I was in every way alone. I wasn't brave for doing that. I was afraid that if I didn't leave when I did I never would. I would never see things. I would never be me - that I would always be one of the Potter kids (which is not a bad thing!!! But it was not MY only identifier either.) I was scared out of my mind when I got here. Not strong.
~I swear. I know I shouldn't. And I REALLY AM trying to clean up my language, but...I swear. Bad - I know.
~I hate to Mop. I know it's not a secret to those of you who have been to my house...but there it is anyway.
~Jeremy was the first boy I ever kissed. I had a (very) few opportunities to before, but I never took them. Now...I'm actually glad I never did.
~Yes, we have been trying to get pregnant for 15 months now. We did the charting and the temperatures and all that for a while, but...it made it work, and not fun anymore. So we stopped. Mostly. I feel like a faker for not doing EVERYTHING to get pg. I want it more than I can even express, but...I also know I have a life to tend to, and for now focusing on other things has brought me so much peace. I know the Lord is in control of my life and my body. I know that when the time is right He will give me what I need, and want so much.
~I firmly believe that just because someone doesn't have children does not mean they cannot share advise or thoughts or ideas on how to raise them. sometimes you learn more from watching other peoples mistakes and successes!! than from actually making them yourself.
~I have the guiltiest conscience on the planet Earth. Small things I did when I was a kid still eat at me. and I apologize incessantly for everything....to the point annoying people...Sorry for that...oh - dang it!
~My alarm goes off at 430 so I can pray and read scriptures and do a small work out. but sometimes I don't get up until 540, and I skip all that stuff...Terrible I know!!
~I get home from work, and usually go straight back and put on pjs. Yep. I'm lazy.
So that's me...well some of me...you can judge me... I do.
11 comments:
I LOVE this post!!! And feel like you were describing me in alot of it! Crazy. :) I may need to do a post like this one...but it seems scary!
Just the other day I was thinking about the smile thing...I do that too...especially lately. I've been faking it with a smile. I guess I feel people would rather see a smile than how I really feel.
oh yes, similarities galore ;)
I do pray your trying to conceive journey is fast and picks up pace here soon!
can't wait to see that happy announcement!
i love you!
see! i love you even more than i did before. you are the best, sare!! *HUGE HUGS*
Yay! I'm glad you did this! Loving you even more now!
And I love the straight-to-PJs plan! So awesome!
Wow! Scary how similar this sounds to me...especially the smiling! It is so much easier to smile and not let people know what is really going on. Thanks for doing this post...I needed it.
Yeah... a lot of those things were very similar to me. You'd probably be surprised by how many people have the same "secrets" you have.
For example: I hate to mop. The young women came over tonight doing a service project, and I had them mop my kitchen. First time it's been mopped in a month. And that's not an exaggeration.
Second of all--you ARE brave and strong. True bravery is doing something you're afraid to do, even though you're afraid to do it, and true strength is doing what's right, even when you feel weak. I know that sounds cliche, but you are brave just because you overcame your fears.
Third of all--I love you. And I always will, despite seeing the "truth behind the smile." And I love you because you love me, despite seeing the "truth behind MY smile." So please don't be afraid to share your true self!! We love you even more for it!
Wow. That was a long comment. Sorry. :)
Sarah~ I love you!!!! you sum everything us so perfectly, and I feel like we share alot of the same secrets... FYI, if you hate to mop get a swifter, quick easy and it looks clean... I have all tile now it works wonders!!!!! :)
Being strong doesn't mean you're not scared. Being scared and doing it anyway...that is what is strong! And brave!
I think we all try to put on a front to others...not necessarily fake, but we just want to show part of who we are, and not the whole of who we are.
I love who you are. I hope you know.
And p.s. I swear too. And I know it's not right...but sometimes I think it's funny. Bad, huh?
To know you is to love you Sare- and that's why I do! Miss you- hope you can come see me sometime soon!
Ok, i love you. And pretty much every single thing Jewel said, I second. Except no one has "service mopped" for me so it is just dirty :) I sweep all the time, and spot wipe if something spills, but I hate the mopping. In fact the #1 thing that I love about our apt VS our old house, is no more tile to mop :) Anyway, I think that you have great perspective. And I love you more for not being perfect. Seriously. You can love those close to perfect people, but sometimes it sure is hard to like them very much!
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