To Infertility & Beyond

As most of you know Jeremy and I have been married for 3 years now. We decided to start trying to have a baby a month after our first anniversary. I thought for sure we would be pregnant by Christmas. Everything would be perfect. We would be one of those cute families where dad is going to school, and working, and mom is staying at home and taking care of a sweet little baby. They would be so busy, and totally happy. Ah…The good life.

Our story turned out to be very different. We weren’t pregnant by Christmas. Or Easter. Or even the next Christmas. I was getting so desperate for a baby. We had been to see Doctors, but after a truly heinous experience with a man who had a Arizona Cardinal Logo shaved into his hair…we took a break from Doctors. We tried to focus on other things. I tried to lose weight and Jer worked on School, and certifications. We pretended it was okay, and would all work out. We prayed and fasted and cried and mourned the loss of something we never had.

I tried not to lose hope but…it was so hard. It seemed like EVERYONE was pregnant around me. Everyone at church, store clerks, girls in the park, people at work...It was all I thought about. I have cried more in the last 2 years and 1 month than I have cried my entire life all put together. It became very difficult to go to Church because I was surrounded by families who had everything I wanted. Little adorable faces shining up for 3 hours straight. It broke my heart. I struggled going to baby showers, and avoided a few because I just couldn't face it all again. At church we are asked do do different things to help support those we go to church with. One of my callings is to set up meals for every sister who has a baby...I was one of the first people to know every time someone had a baby. I would dread answering my phone, and would often sit down and cry before I could get back to actually setting anything up. Mother's Days and Father's Days were the worst. All the times I hoped so much that this was the month! only to start within hours of my negative pregnancy test. Everything in my life centered on this absence. It felt like this huge void that was growing each day, and that one day it would take me over, and I would fade into it. That sounds overly dramatic, but it's true. Wanting something so much and not being able to have it...I kind of became it. I became childless. I became someone who couldn't have kids. It was everything to me, and I couldn't be anything else. I couldn't be happy, I couldn't be crafty, I stopped being positive like I had always been. 

This inability totally changed me. It reached into every aspect of my life - especially my relationship with my Father in Heaven. I was angry and distant and so many other things I know were wrong. I could keep going, but I will leave it there. I went on like this for a long time. And it got worse every day. 

Then I got sick. I stayed sick for two weeks straight. It wasn't a normal sick for me either, and I just felt different, so of course I began to hope. I tested the day before I was supposed to start, and there were two lines. It was faint, but it was there. We were so excited, and immediately started making plans. That was a Tuesday. I tested again the next morning hoping to get a more clear result. Again - two lines - but still faint. We decided I would test again that weekend, and we would go from there. Friday morning I woke up and noticed some spotting, and I was cramping. I was terrified. By 9 we were at the ER. I was released at 5, and I was not pregnant anymore. The Dr told us they couldn't find evidence of me ever having been pregnant. I was so confused. I saw the lines. Two separate tests. I FELT pregnant. I know there was a baby. I know it. I believed this was a chemical pregnancy. When I tested early I had just enough of the hormone to turn the tests, but days later - it was gone, along with my baby. This was later confirmed by my OBGYN.

 My life stopped. I stopped seeing friends. I stopped seeing family. I went to work, but barely spoke all day long. I cried constantly. I was holding the dream, and somehow it had slipped out of my hands and shattered on the pavement. My fragile faith shattered too. I carried around more anger and resentment than I had ever thought possible, and it was all directed at God. I was totally broken. It took me months to pull even slivers of myself from the rubble of this tragedy. It's still hard to think about that time, because I barely recognize the person who wore my clothes during all of it.

In May I started this Diet, because I needed to take some control of my life. It worked great and I felt great. Life was starting to look good again. I had started to pray again and to read scriptures again. I was feeling a little more like myself, and starting to get my life back on track. In June we went to Tucson for Father's day weekend. We needed to be out of town for that day, and we needed some time for us. In July we found that we had brought a souvenir back with us. I was expecting again. I was a week late when I tested, and again - I knew I was pregnant. The test turned very dark very quickly. Two happy lines! I tested again right away and again the next morning and again a couple of days later. I was addicted to those lines! 

We spent three wonderful weeks celebrating and planning and smiling, and feeling lighter than I had since our first baby. Light. That's how I think of these times. I had light in my heart, and my spirit. I felt like I was walking in clouds. Light was my mood, and my dreams. Light. We were marking weeks, and counting down to our first prenatal appointment. It was scheduled for Jeremy Parent's, Grandparent's, and Great grand parent's Anniversaries. We thought it was perfectly profound that they scheduled it for that day. We had told a few people, and were so excited to share our happy news with everyone. I wasn't sick this time though. It worried me. I asked friends several times over if I should be worried. They said no - I'm lucky - just enjoy it. I did enjoy it. I was so happy.

Again I woke up on a Friday morning two weeks before our appointment and I was spotting. I just didn't feel right. I called my Dr, and the nurse tried to assure me that I was fine and it does happen and it was totally normal. I wouldn't let up though and eventually she agreed to schedule me for an apt with my OBGYN that afternoon. I love my Dr so much, and am constantly grateful that she chose to become an OB. She walked in the room and asked how I was, and dove right in to the ultrasound. She did a few scans and asked how far along I was. I told her I would be 8 weeks the next day. She asked if I was sure, and I said yes. She said the baby was measuring smaller than she should have been. I was either not that far along, or something was wrong. I knew. I had felt this feeling before. I started crying. 

We went home and waited. I lost the baby.

When I thought my heart couldn't break any more...It did. It broke every string that had been holding it together since the last time we went through this. Devastation doesn't begin to describe what we went through in the next few days and weeks. On top of our sorrow and grief I had tests upon tests upon blood work upon exams. I was torn, and broken, and so lost. There is so much that happened in my mind and my heart those first few weeks that I can't really explain, but I remember not being as angry as last time. I remember not being distant like I was the first time. I remember wanting my Father in Heaven close to me. I needed him to help me through this. More than anything I felt very very sad. I still do of course. This is a constant every day thought for me, and for Jeremy. I am so grateful for the time I had to heal my spirit and work out my anger before this new trial was sent to us. It saved my testimony.

The tests were extensive. And at every turn I was told how healthy I am. I was told how normal my hormones are. How perfect this level is or that level. Everything was totally normal. Okay I kept thinking - then WHY?!! I finally came to the conclusion that if everything so far was normal then it must be the big things that were not. ME. My body. My STUFF. I must have some physical problem that is making me unable to stay pregnant. My last test was supposed to be an ultra sound followed by a dye test where I would be injected with blue dye and they would scan me to see if there were any abnormalities or cysts or pollups in my uterus. I was so worried they would find something. If they did it would have meant surgery to remove the obstructions, and delaying trying to get pregnant again for the recovery...I was so worried that since everything was fine up until now that this would be where it all fell apart.

I went in and this sweet lady did the ultrasound, and commented on my healthy looking ovaries (even considering the dermoid cysts I have on them), and how I've got lots of great looking follicles, And how my "cavity" looks perfect. She said she was going to do a 3D and hopefully avoid having to do the dye test. I felt hope rush into my heart...PLEASE let it be okay I prayed. A few minutes later she came back with my wonderful Dr in tow. My Dr. went over the scans and pictures, and pointed out all the same things the tech had, and said "I think we're good. I don't see anything to be concerned about." I clarified and she confirmed I was in perfect health and from all the tests she couldn't find anything that would prevent me from carrying a child to full term. On the way out the door she stopped and grabbed my hand and said "call me as soon as you get pregnant - we will get you in to be scanned early next time." I wanted to cry! I was so happy and relieved!! I called Jeremy and then my sister, and then my two closest friends to tell them the news! And now that I've had a few days to ponder all of this - I'm telling all of you. Thank you for caring enough to text and email and ask me what's been going on. Thank you for caring enough to pray for us.

I am so grateful that everything turned out okay with all of these tests. I know the Lord is blessing us in our trials. I know the things we have been tried with and the losses we are enduring are only temporary. I know there is a plan for our family, and I know we will have our children again one day. I'm so looking forward to that!! Until then - I know their Grandpa, and Uncle are taking good care of them.

Have The Best Day!!