Just let it go

Today - I'm being real.

Last Sunday I was caught off guard by the phrase - just let it go. They were talking about a conference talk about holding onto grudges. For me, though, it brought something else to mind.

All of us hold onto things. Some are encouraging and make us better. My wedding day and the many people who traveled so far to be with us in the blistering heat is one of those things. Some things we hold onto because we can't let go, because letting go feels like forgetting, and some things you just can't or won't let yourself forget. My babies are those things. We miss them and wish so much and so badly that they were still here. Some things are held onto because if you let it go it changes everything. Anger. Guilt. Plans and mental pictures of your future. These things are the things I was reminded of last Sunday.

We had a plan. We had a picture. We had it all figured out. But everything is different. We were going to have kids, and now we probably won't. And please, don't tell me I'm wrong. I'm tired of hearing that. I say this because every singe time I say that to someone who wants to know how I'm doing they have a cousin, or a friend or a girl they knew who has had (fill in the blank) miscarriages and then went on to have (fill in the blank) beautiful kids. Those stories are great - don't get me wrong!! For a long time they kept me going. I hoped and prayed to be one of those stories.

But now I don't. Now I'm trying to let it go. Because it doesn't seem possible any more. Even with adoption - something we had planned on and may still proceed with - it feels impossible. The cost is obscene. And even if we had the money, who knows if anyone would ever want us to have their baby? Lets be real - It may not ever happen. Any everyone has that family member or good friend who has that story too...it happens. It's happening. It feels like it's us. I hope I'm wrong, but I'm not sure I am.

So... everything is changing all over again. Like we haven't faced enough of that in the last three years. It's happening again. We used to be trying. Then we were losing. Now we're figuring out what our new life is going to look like. I'm not saying it's bad to not have kids. It's just something I've always just assumed we would do, so this changes things. Before I would dream of what I would do for birthdays, and how we would celebrate the end of school, and what it would feel like to give birth. Now I pin ideas in hopes someone else will find something to do with their kids. Because I probably won't.

The biggest thing I wonder about now is what do people who don't have kids do? Will I work forever? Will I be a house wife one day? Will I always feel that ache when I see adorable babies in the grocery store? Will I always feel like an outsider in every social setting I'm ever in because kids come up in every conversation, and I won't be able to relate? Will I continue to dread mothers and fathers day forever?  Will I  always feel awkward when people hurry and finish conversations about their pregnancy simply because I'm approaching? And the biggest question - the one any good and faithful person should NEVER ask is simply...why God?

I sound like I've given up. That might be true. But I'm also trying to move on and let it go. If this is my life now I want to live it, and not be wishing things were different forever. I just don't really know where to go...and I don't think I've ever felt as lost as I do right now.